Do you want to be as rich as that Girls Gone Wild Guy? Here’s how.

Don’t tip
Little known fact: tipping isn’t mandatory! “Wait, I’ve been throwing my money away for all these years?” Yep. You do not have to tip waiters and waitresses. Most servers are rich anyway. They are insulted that you tip them. They think it means that you think you are better than them. I don’t tip unless my waitress has huge jugs and she dips them in my food.

Steal
This is common sense, but is so often overlooked. Stealing things that you were going to buy is one of the best ways to save money. If you steal one bottle of Evan Williams per week, you only have to pay for 2 bottles of Evan Williams per week. I recommend stealing from mom and pop shops. They usually can’t afford a security system or security guard. If they do try to stop you, you get to beat up an old person.[Cue “How Lucky Can One Guy Be”]

Ask for a raise at work
If you have a job, go into your boss’s office and ask for a raise. Tell him that you think you deserve it because you have been working really hard. Then hold up a picture of his family and glare at him until he gets the point.

Go to uglier or “more foreign” hookers
If you are anything like me, one of your biggest expenditures is hookers. Did you know that less attractive hookers charge less money? If you can, try to find one with a small thing wrong, like red hair or a longtooth, not a dogface or testicles. The price break will be similar. Another thing you can do is trade down to a “more foreign” group of women. For example, if you have been going to Croatian hookers, find a Serbian. If you have been going to a Russian hooker, go to a Ukrainian. If you have been going to a Polish hooker, get a job (they pay you, lol. But seriously, just hump a pile of dirt).

Don’t buy presents for people
When someone’s birthday comes up, say that you are a Jerhovo’s Witness and that you don’t believe in giving presents. Then, before your birthday, call everyone and say that you aren’t a Jerhovo’s Witness anymore. Some people might get mad at you about this, but they are going to die someday anyway, so it really doesn’t matter.

Complain about your food
Nothing has saved me more money than this. If you complain about your food, restaurants will normally give you your meal for free. Sometimes they will give you gift certificates or bribe money not to tell the health inspector. If you are not already, you should start carrying around a bag of pubes. It is best if they are not your pubes, so they can’t trace them back to you. Sprinkle the pubes in your food, then start screaming. Shove your plate in the manager’s face and keep saying “What is that? Would you want to eat that?” Then try to make him eat it. Sometimes they will fire a cook, and he will start crying and saying that he has a family, but he’s probably lying.

Investments
The honest truth is that these tips aren’t going to help you that much. Cutting expenses will just help you keep more of the sad, paltry income that you make. If you really want to have more money, you’ve got to make more money. The best way that I that I know is the Party Dawg Records Pyramid Investment Plan. You pay $100 to become a certified investor. Then you get 10 people to become investors. Each of them pay $100. You keep $20 from each of them. You just doubled your money! Now, you get a portion the money from everyone that they sign up! You have at least 10 friends, don’t you? Or are you one of those fucking losers?! How many people do you see in a day? At least 500? Well, if you sign up even half of them, you will be well on your way to becoming a millionaire!

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What has been your favorite thing about the Olympics?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What would make the Olympics better?

 

 

 

 

 

What have you learned from watching the Olympics?

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe they are letting that rat Sandusky use twitter in prison!!!!

The votes are in. We never expected this much excitement for our little tournament. Time Magazine even wrote about it!

Follow the action so far
Fantasy Tournament- 1st Round
Fantasy Tournament – Round 2

Elite Eight Matchups

Threesome Vs. Wife Can Queef National Anthem

Threesome narrowly defeated Putting Dog on Junk and Having Peanut Butter Lick It Off. Most common reasons: “You could just have a threesome with peanut butter and a dog.”

Wife Can Queef National Anthem held on to beat Having Sex With Quicksand. Most common reasons: “Any sand I have sex with is going to be quicksand, if you know what I mean!”, “I’ll feel like Thomas Jefferson when she queefs the national anthem in my face!”

Woman That Farts Bubbles Vs. Fingering a Dinosaur

Woman That Drinks Soap and Farts Bubbles squeaked by Getting to Be a Tit For a Day. Most common reasons: “If I was a tit for a day, I might start to feel bad about taking pictures of women’s zonkers when they are asleep.”, “Farting soap bubbles would keep the house clean.”

Fingering a Dinosaur smoked Treehouse Filled With Porno. Most common reasons: “I had a treehouse when I was a kid. It burned down and three of my friends died”, “After you finger a dinosaur, it would probably do your bidding.”

Cheerleader (With Multiple Sclerosis) Vs. Girl With Two Beavers

Cheerleader (With Multiple Sclerosis) escaped with a victory over Wet Dream. Most common reasons: “I had enough wet dreams to fill a dunk tank.”, “I’ll have plenty of wet dreams about that cheerleader with multiple sclerosis after we get down.”

Girl With Two Beavers annihilated Penis Lit on Fire. Most common reasons: “If my penis got lit on fire, I couldn’t spank off about a girl with two beavers anymore.”, “She’s got two beavers, so my boy Mitt Romney and I can both do our thangs at the same time.”

Dong Lights Up Like ET’s Finger Vs. Putting Your Schlong in a Hot Dog Bun and Handing It to the President

Dong Lights Up Like ET’s Finger destroyed Able to Turn Any Wall Into a Glory Hole. Most common reasons: “If your dong lights up, life will be your glory hole.”, “You will be able to hold up your dong and say ‘Phone bone!’ like E.T.”

Putting Your Schlong in a Hot Dog Bun and Handing It to the President trumps Grow Pubes Any Shape, Except Regular Pube Shape. Most common reasons: “Obama would be so surprised, he would probably move back to Afghanistan.”, “The only shape I want to grow my pubes is that of a hot dog bun, so I can hand it to the president.”

Dear Penthose Forum,

I am a longtime fan of your publication, but I never thought I would have a story worth writing about.

I had known Cindy since we were kids. I always had a crush on her. Unfortunately, back in those days I wasn’t exactly the coolest. People rarely noticed me, and when they did, it was mainly to mock me for getting caught masturbating in class. It only happened twice! Cindy was very popular, though. She made love with the entire hockey team. They were the fifth most popular team of guys at our school.

I never planned on seeing her again. Then one day last week, she came into the hardware store where I work as the head janitor. She teetered in, wobbling back and forth, probably exhausted from being so beautiful. “Let me use the phone!”, she exclaimed.

Vindal, my boss, started to tell her that the phone was for customers only. (I know I said I was the head janitor, but that is not exactly an official position, but everyone knows.) I told Vindal to be cool. Then I touched my crotch. That is the sign that we used to communicate that we want to be left alone with a customer. Vindal was surprised, because he always gives me the sign. This was the first time that I had given it to him. As he walked by, he pointed at Cindy and mouthed, “Seriously?” He was probably jealous, because she was too hot.

I slid behind the counter, grabbed the phone, and placed it in front of Cindy. “That’s better.”, she grumbled. Then she made some racial comments about Vindal. That is when I was sure that she was the same girl I had fallen in love with in high school. As she dialed the phone, I admired her form. She had filled out since high school. Even then, she was thick in all the right places, like her breasts and the hump dangling down over her crotch, so temptingly. As she opened her mouth to speak, I could see that she had lost a few teeth, but for some reason, I made me like her more. It made her more human.

“I already turned five tricks today, Rodney. I’m tired.” There was a brief pause as she listened intently. “But he wants me to fuck a snake!”, she yelled into the phone. Rodney must have given her bad news, because she yelled, “Fine!” and slammed the phone down.

“Thanks for nothing!”, she screamed at me and turned to leave. I couldn’t let her just disappear from my life again. I worked up the most courage that I have ever had in my life. “Wait, Cindy! Please don’t go.”

She turned, stunned. “How do you know my real name? Everyone calls me Tirepuss now…because I put a tire in my pussy.”

“I don’t care what they call you. I love you.”

“Well, I’m a whore now. If you pay me more than $50, I’ll fuck you instead of the pit viper that I am supposed to.”

“I’ll pay you $200!”

I offered to take her to dinner at Costello’s, the nicest restaurant in town. She asked if there was a storage room or trash chute that we could go to. “Even better.”, I told her. I grabbed her hand, and led her down to my room. I was always embarrassed to live in the basement of my work, but now in the biggest moment of my life, it turned out to be a great asset.

Once we got to my room, I apologized that it wasn’t nicer. She asked if I was going to kill her. I’m pretty sure that she was joking. She pulled her tattered dress down. Her luscious tits flopped out. I have never seen anything like them. They were long, flat, and wide, like flapjacks that could feed a football team. I didn’t know that nipples could be comprised completely of scar tissue.

I put my hand near them. “May I?”, I politely inquired. “Umm, sure.”, she replied.

I ran my hands over her delicious mounds. They were rough and chapped like a cattle rustler’s hands. There is no doubt in my mind that a balloon would pop if it touched them. After caressing them for several moments, I tried to lick them, because Vindal told me that is what you are supposed to do. I must have messed it up, because I cut my tongue.

Cindy pulled her dress completely off. Her stomach was bigger and veinier than it looked in clothes, but that just meant there was more of her to love. A gentleman doesn’t get too graphic, but I think her vagina could best be described as war torn. I nicknamed it “little Sarajevo”. She started reaching for my jimmy. I nudged her hand away. “Not yet, dear.”, I cooed.

I had her sit on the cot while I turned off the lights. I needed it completely dark for what I was about to pull. I knew I wouldn’t regret purchasing a penis extender. If you aren’t familiar, a penis extender is a fake penis that you wear over your penis. I had it stashed conveniently under my cot. I fumbled for it in the darkness. Cindy wondered aloud what I was doing.

I finally snagged the penis extender and surreptitiously slid it on. I quickly placed a condom over it, so that Cindy would believe it was my real penis. I smoothly slid it into her. I couldn’t feel anything, because my penis was covered in a thick layer of rubber, but I am sure it would have felt great.

“Why does your dick feel rubbery?”, she inquired. “Oh, no reason.”, I replied, smiling to myself.

I pumped out several very solid strokes. She was getting ready to start moaning, I think. Just then, I felt my penis extender slipping off. I quickly pretended that I climaxed and pulled out. It was just in time, too, because my penis extender fell off onto the bed. I knocked it onto the floor and kicked it under the bed.

“That was great!”, I exclaimed. She seemed surprised that it was over so suddenly. I apologized and asked if she would like a foot rub. She said that she just wanted the money. I happily paid her. I couldn’t afford food for a week, but it was worth it. She got dressed and scurried up the stairs. “We should go to the movies some time!”, I yelled after her. She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t have to. Fantasies truly can come true.

Sincerely,
Jeff Wesselschmidt

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Fanway.com is looking for funny jokes for it’s joke page. They have to be sports-related. And they should be current and topical.

- You write them,
- Send them to me,
- If I publish them, I paypal you $10.

Jokes can be pg-13 to r-rated.

We look forward to hearing from you!

Dear sir,

Here are my jokes. When can I expect my $80?

Sincerely,
Jeffrey M. Wesselschmidt

Q: Why are baseball players mad?
A: They have stitches in their balls.

Q: Why are football players so mad?
A: Their balls are shaped weird.

Q: Why are golfers mad a lot?
A: They always have to wash their balls.

Q: Why are basketball players always mad?
A: Their balls always get dribbled in front of people.

Q: Why does Tiger Wood’s like golf?
A: He likes to put his ball in the hole.

Q: Why are bowlers always mad?
A: Their balls get thrown in the gutter.

Q: What juice is the worst for your health?
A: O.J. (Simpson)

Q: Why are hockey players angry?
A: ( I’m still working on this one.)

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Read it on Yelp!

I was unlucky enough that my twin sons’ birthday fell on one of my weekends with them, so I was responsible for their birthday party. Of course, they wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese. I took them and two of their friends, Stinky and Buttnut.

It was hard to find parking. Also, I couldn’t even listen to my Jerky Boys tapes on the drive, because I knew my kids were too stupid and would repeat the cuss words in front of their mom and her dumbass boyfriend, DeShawn.

When we got inside, I was shocked by how loud all the kids were. I asked if we could get a seat away from any kids. They said they couldn’t do that. The only table that was open was next to the ball pit, the LOUDEST place in the entire restaurant. Kids were throwing balls, completely unsupervised. One of them bonked me in the head and called me “dicktooth”!

I bought $10 worth of tokens for my kids. Because it was my kids’ birthday party, their ugly friends expected me to buy them tokens, too. I gave them $3 to split, just so they would leave me alone. I thought I could finally relax a little bit. I ordered a highball from the waiter. He said that they didn’t have highballs! They didn’t even have beer!!! What kind of pizza restaurant doesn’t have liquor?

The two little morons blew through their $3 like there was no tomorrow, so they came and sat at the table with me again. They started complaining that they were hungry and bored. I didn’t want to, but I gave in and ordered a medium cheese pizza for us all to split, just so they would shut up. Then this dumb robot band started playing. All the kids started going nuts. They’re not even playing real instuments! The jerky boys have more talent in one of their dialing fingers than that whole band does.

I had to go to the bathroom (from drinking soda, like a sizzlechest). On the walk, I was seriously considering just leaving my kids there. I was thinking about disappearing to Mexico or maybe just saying that I got kidnapped. I got to the bathroom and went in a stall. My plan was to try to squeeze out a shit, just so I could be away from the brats as long as possible. That is when I spotted it, my savior, a jewel in the cold steel, the most glorious glory hole I have ever seen.

I quickly dropped trou and plunged my dongle into the dark chasm. The edges of this hole were the most luxurious that I have ever experienced. They felt like they had been sanded with velvet. When I noticed the foot grooves carved into the floor, I knew that I was in for a treat. This was truly the finest GH craftsmanship I have ever seen. It was so comfortable, I could have stood there for hours. I was having the time of my life, and the blojo hadn’t even started yet!

They must not let whoever was in that other stall have any pizza, because they went to town like they hadn’t eaten for a week. They were scratching the walls and stomping, all while devouring my hog. This lady worked hard! She made me forget all about the $3 I wasted on the turds outside. Even though I could tell she had an alarming amount of facial hair for a woman, I could not complain. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any better, she must have pulled a lever or something, and 5 more holes appeared in the wall. She started playing whack-a-mole with my ding dong! That is when I finally felt love again. I climaxed harder than I ever have in my life. I thanked the kind woman in the next stall. She said “Sure, bro” in a deep, almost masculine voice.

I marched back to the main floor. I stopped by the cashier booth. I bought $100 worth of tokens. I spotted my sons and their friends moping at the table. I snuck up behind them and yelled, “Who’s ready to have some fun!” Then I tossed the tokens into the air. They rained down on the boys. They danced in nearly the same ecstasy as I had just experienced. When we had spent all of them, I bought $100 more. The pizza was disgusting, but it didn’t matter.

My sons told me they loved me for the first time in years. When I dropped them off at their mother’s house the next morning, I told her that I still loved her and that I wanted her back. She said that she felt the same way. I moved back in. We both quit our jobs and started a non-profit. By the end of this year, we hope to open our first orphanage in Uganda. I have never been happier, and I owe it all to that special someone in the Chuck E. Cheese bathroom.

5 stars!!!!!!!!!!!

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The votes have been tallied. The response was overwhelming. These are the fantasies that you prefer along with some example quotes from the ballots:

Threesome defeats Wearing mirrors on shoes legalized. “wearing mirrors on your shoes being illegal doesn’t stop me from doing it”, “sun could reflect into your eyes”

Putting pb on junk and having dog lick it off was upset by Putting dog on junk and having pb lick it off. “tired of the old way”

Having sex with quicksand routs Watching Ellen Degeneres take a dump. “She probably doesn’t take that big of dumps.”

Getting married to a woman that can queef the National Anthem smokes Getting jacked off by woman with three thumbs. “shows she is a true patriot”, “think what else she could do with it, maybe play kazoo”

 

Getting to be a tit for a day destroys Having sunglasses for eyes. “you could play with yourself all day”, “if your eyes are sunglasses how will you have hookers pee in them?”

Ability to turn into a motorcycle handily defeated by Woman that drinks soap and farts bubbles. “the only reason I would want to turn into a motorcycle is to attract a woman that farts bubbles”

Treehouse filled with porno trumps Dominatrix. “you could have all types of porno, not just of chicks with penises”, “I already have a woman that tells me what to do, I call her my wife lol. But seriously, Scott Peterson did the right thing”

Asian Schoolgirl is defeated by Fingering a dinosaur. “that schoolgirl could have SARS”, “I was obsessed with Jurassic Park when I was a kid. always wanted to finger a dinosaur or Wayne Knight”

Having a wet dream upsets Joan from Mad Men dropping her jugs on your head. “would probably hurt your neck”, “that’s what happened to FDR”.

Cheerleader with multiple sclerosis narrowly defeats Cheerleader. “the regular cheerleader at my high school called me a queerbait and shit in my locker”, “most handicapped people are nice”.

69 your grandma’s hottest friend loses to Penis lit on fire. “it has always been my dream to have my penis lit on fire”.

Girl with two beavers destroys Female doctor listens to your scrote with a stethoscope. “She’s got two of them. That is more than one”

 

Dong lights up like ET’s finger annihilates World peace. “if my dong lit up, I wouldn’t get in any fights”, “I like wars”

Make love to pile of fire ants barely loses to Turn any wall into a glory hole. “easy to redecorate apartment or nursing home”, “not attracted to fire ants”

Grow pubes any shape (except regular pube shape) steamrolls Farmer’s daughter. “I would grow it in shape of Ernest Borgnine to honor him”, “farmers’ daughters are used to knocking boots with bulls, so they will be disappointed with my johnson”

Putting schlong in hot dog bun and handing it to the President mops the floor with Whoopie Goldberg. “handing the president your weiner is something you can tell grandkids about”, “Whoopie Goldberg is? Is that the thing that when people sit on it sounds like a fart?”

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People can’t stop talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’s divorce. We have been getting a lot of emails asking who we thought TC would get down with next. I polled all my Hollywood contacts and these are the most likely candidates, in increasing order.

10. Olivia Munn

With her recently leaked sexy photos and role on the hot show “The Newsroom”, Olivia Munn is poised for a breakout year.  Tom always has an eye for stars.  She just seems to have that IT factor*.

 

 

*easy to brainwash

 

 

 

9. Aileen Wournos

A Party Dawg Records favorite. She plays hard to get, but a true player like Tom will appreciate that.  Most importantly, she is still alive.

 

 

8,7.  Two-headed girl

America loves an underdog. You would feel good when you look at her picture in the tabloids every night.  Besides, I think this picture makes it pretty clear that this two-headed girl is ready to become a two-headed woman.

 

 

 

6. Selena Gomez

Tom Cruise is a follower of the great Canadian philosopher Bret Hart.  He lives by Hart’s famous quote, “To be the man, you’ve got to beat the man.”  Tom knows that if he can steal the biggest star in the world’s girlfriend that will put him right back on top.

 

 

 

 

 

5. Watermelon with a hole in it

Is there anything more refreshing in the summer months than a nice slice of watermelon? One of Tom’s biggest complaints about Katie is that she wasn’t juicy or green enough. The only downside of dating a watermelon with a hole in it is that it has a greater potential to attract bugs than the rest of the list.

 

 

4.  Naomi Russell

She is the hottest pornography star in the world. She would help Tom get some of his “rock star edge” back that Katie stole from him. Trust me, it is easy to spank it to her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Dog with fleshlight attached to its head

Imagine it, man’s best friend attached to a dog. For most of us, it is just something we dream about every day, but Tom Cruise has the cash to make it a reality.

 

 

2. L. Ron Hubbard’s Bones

My sources tell me this is who Tom really has his eyes on. As a Scientologist, I can say that L. Ron’s bones contain magical properties. We use them to put curses on people we don’t like (Terry Schiavo, for example).

 

 

1. Woman with tattoo of monkey on her vagina

The perfect woman.

 

 

I have been hearing that fantasy sports is the way to make ca$h, so I made my own fantasy tournament. I took the 32 most popular fantasies in America and set them up to go head to head until one is chosen as the favorite. Your votes are the deciding factor, so make sure you make your voice heard!

 

We have got some heavy hitters in this region. The perennial favorite putting peanut butter on your junk and having a dog lick it off vs. the young upstart, putting a dog on your junk and having peanut butter lick it off. Who hasn’t waited for wearing mirrors on your shoes to be legalized? Queefing the national anthem, sex with quicksand. This bracket has something for everyone!

Sex with a cheerleader or sex with a cheerleader that has multiple sclerosis. What does America prefer? Can the overall #1 seed in the tournament, girl with two beavers be upset? A female doctor listens to your scrote with a stethoscope has really been coming on strong! What about penis lit on fire? Is it as popular as we all think it is?

Ability to turn into a motorcycle vs. woman that eats soap and farts bubbles is going to be the tightest match of the first round.  I don’t know how anyone is going to beat fingering a dinosaur.  I’m getting a bone just thinking about it. Is there any problem that couldn’t be solved with a treehouse full of porno? One time, my cousin got to be a tit for a day. He said it rocked nuts.

World Peace is a lofty goal, too bad it has to face dong lights up like ET’s finger in the first round.  Make love to a pile of fireants?  It’s not my bag, but other people seem to love it.  Will (except regular pube shape) keep Can grow pubes any shape (except regular pube shape) from advancing to the next round? Putting schlong in a hot dog bun and handing it to the President is so hot with the kids these days.