Flowers – Steal them from the cemetery. If you want to find fresh flowers, read the obituaries in the paper. You can probably get the newspaper for free from an immigrant. (They certainly won’t need the job listings!) After the flowers die, point at them and tell your girlfriend, “Those flowers are doing an impression of you, if you ever try to leave me or ask me to get a job.”
Chocolates – Make sure you tell your girlfriend that she is fat the week before, so she will lose weight before you give them to her. I STRONGLY recommend White chocolate.
No present – My dad never got my mom a present, and she didn’t hang herself until she was 43.
DO NOT make her a meal – If a woman sees you do woman’s work, she will lose respect for you and go get pregnant by a black.
Oral sex – Tell her that you will “go down on her doohilly”. Then turn the lights off and rub food on her thing (Note: Do not put a mouse trap on it.) Then let a dog in the room. She will have the time of her life, and you can go shoot craps with your boys.
Act like you are going to hit her and then don’t – I got my old lady this 3 years in a row. She always loved it.
A dick pic – Send it to her from her friend’s phone so she will be intrigued
Allow her to have an orgasm – Make sure you mention that you normally don’t agree with it, because it is unladylike.
Cut a heart out of construction paper – Women love homemade shit. After you give it to her say that now you are good with scissors, in case she ever leaves you or stops giving you money. Laugh so she knows that you were joking, but then stare at her for too long. Then later on when you know she is watching, take the scissors and sneakily put them under your pillow, like you don’t want her to see you.
Running shoes – Tell her that you want her to get in shape so that she will live longer and your rod still gets hard when you have to get down with her. To really drive the point home, whip out the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and start beating your rod in front of her.
Love letters from your ex-girlfriends – Say that you won’t be needing them anymore because you have her. Then she will read them and get jealous. But they won’t really be from your ex-girlfriends. Just have one of the hookers you know write the letters. Have them put things about giving you presents to smoke your rod and getting down with other chicks in front of you. Your girlfriend will think she has to compete with that or you will leave her. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!