Hurricane Survival Tips


Find your porno magazines – If you been jacking online, like me (#genius), you probably aren’t sure where your jack mags are. Are they under this pile of beer cans or this pile of underwear that I stole from the old lady next door? (they smell like her hemmorhoid crème but I don’t give a fizuckkkkk. That just makes me think of her hemmorhoids when I’m maskjacking with them. H-O-T!!!!) You got to find them, because if the internet goes down, you’re going to have nothing to jack to. You willl have to use your imagination and some pretty sick shit can pop into your head. Last time I tried, I ended up smacking my meat to a lawnmower taking a shit on an elephant. It was a guy elephant!!!!! I almost thought about going to a psychologist, but then I heard it ain’t gay if a lawnmower is involved.

Buy some ice – You’re going to need it after jacking your nuts for three days straight. Ice ‘em up real good or they will turn black.

Don’t let your slampiece stay with you – I made this mistake once. I let this girl stay with me during a tornado AND SHE TOOK A SHIT AT MY APARTMENT!!!! She didn’t even wait for me to go to sleep or try to blame it on a dog. I could barely bone her anymore. And if you have a slampiece hanging around, you can’t try to hump the old lady next door or the woman that beats her kids upstairs (if she beats them that hard, imagine what she will do to your rod!!!!). That is a waste of a hurricane! It is a great opportunity to tell that old lady that you have some wine at your apartment. If you don’t have wine, just mix peroxide with grape juice. It is probably the same. Then say it is getting hot. Take off your pants and “accidentally” drop your junk out of your undies. Say “Whoops, will you help me put this away?”

Do not admit that you have been stealing from your roommate – I would not recommend ever doing this, but especially not during a hurricane. You will be trapped inside with him for days and he might try to murder you. Just keep blaming the chinaman that lives in your building because if your roommate is anything like mine, he thinks chinamen are mystical people and that they can put spells on you. He will be afraid to confront him and you can keep “borrowing money” and cartons of cigarettes from his room.

Don’t play with downed power lines – I know you think, “How could they hurt me? They are just lines and I am a man?” Trust me, they can hurt you. Those lines are filled with electricity, like the electric chair. I know a guy that thought it would be funny to stick a power line in his butt. He was right. It was funny for us, but not for him. He got electro-q-ted and now his nuts are inside out. He has to wear special pants filled with vaseline and can never sit down. If you insist on playing with power lines, try to get a “special” kid or Chinaman to do it, I guess.

Throw away all your food – You are going to need the room in the fridge for brews. You can probably get food somewhere during the hurricane. Beer has calories in it anyway, so it is actually good for you. Also, make sure you load your shotgun and sleep on it. If looters come, you will be able to protect your possessions, i.e. brews.


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