How To Save Money
Do you want to be as rich as that Girls Gone Wild Guy? Here’s how.
Don’t tip
Little known fact: tipping isn’t mandatory! “Wait, I’ve been throwing my money away for all these years?” Yep. You do not have to tip waiters and waitresses. Most servers are rich anyway. They are insulted that you tip them. They think it means that you think you are better than them. I don’t tip unless my waitress has huge jugs and she dips them in my food.
Steal
This is common sense, but is so often overlooked. Stealing things that you were going to buy is one of the best ways to save money. If you steal one bottle of Evan Williams per week, you only have to pay for 2 bottles of Evan Williams per week. I recommend stealing from mom and pop shops. They usually can’t afford a security system or security guard. If they do try to stop you, you get to beat up an old person.[Cue “How Lucky Can One Guy Be”]
Ask for a raise at work
If you have a job, go into your boss’s office and ask for a raise. Tell him that you think you deserve it because you have been working really hard. Then hold up a picture of his family and glare at him until he gets the point.
Go to uglier or “more foreign” hookers
If you are anything like me, one of your biggest expenditures is hookers. Did you know that less attractive hookers charge less money? If you can, try to find one with a small thing wrong, like red hair or a longtooth, not a dogface or testicles. The price break will be similar. Another thing you can do is trade down to a “more foreign” group of women. For example, if you have been going to Croatian hookers, find a Serbian. If you have been going to a Russian hooker, go to a Ukrainian. If you have been going to a Polish hooker, get a job (they pay you, lol. But seriously, just hump a pile of dirt).
Don’t buy presents for people
When someone’s birthday comes up, say that you are a Jerhovo’s Witness and that you don’t believe in giving presents. Then, before your birthday, call everyone and say that you aren’t a Jerhovo’s Witness anymore. Some people might get mad at you about this, but they are going to die someday anyway, so it really doesn’t matter.
Complain about your food
Nothing has saved me more money than this. If you complain about your food, restaurants will normally give you your meal for free. Sometimes they will give you gift certificates or bribe money not to tell the health inspector. If you are not already, you should start carrying around a bag of pubes. It is best if they are not your pubes, so they can’t trace them back to you. Sprinkle the pubes in your food, then start screaming. Shove your plate in the manager’s face and keep saying “What is that? Would you want to eat that?” Then try to make him eat it. Sometimes they will fire a cook, and he will start crying and saying that he has a family, but he’s probably lying.
Investments
The honest truth is that these tips aren’t going to help you that much. Cutting expenses will just help you keep more of the sad, paltry income that you make. If you really want to have more money, you’ve got to make more money. The best way that I that I know is the Party Dawg Records Pyramid Investment Plan. You pay $100 to become a certified investor. Then you get 10 people to become investors. Each of them pay $100. You keep $20 from each of them. You just doubled your money! Now, you get a portion the money from everyone that they sign up! You have at least 10 friends, don’t you? Or are you one of those fucking losers?! How many people do you see in a day? At least 500? Well, if you sign up even half of them, you will be well on your way to becoming a millionaire!