Email To Todd Akin


Todd Akin is the congressman from my home town. I hope he can help me out of a jam I’m in. I sent him this e-mail.

Dear Mr. Akin,

I am a big fan of your work. My parents voted for you. The reason that I am writing you is that I am being unfairly persecuted. I’m a Pi Kappa Alpha at Mizzou. We had our annual Blackface theme party about a month ago. A couple of underage girls showed up. I didn’t give them any beer. I just showed them where the keg was and may have pumped it for them. They got really drunk. They said that they would get in trouble if they went home, so I graciously offered to let them stay in my room. I took them to my room, and they passed out. I kept partying cuz you know how I do. A pledge passed out, so we peed on him. We shot this dog with a pellet gun. Another classic Pike rager. I went up to my room. The girls were still there, a sure sign of wanting it. One of them had even passed out with her thong hanging out! She might as well had sent me an invitation, so I made love to her.

In the morning, she woke up and started screaming. She said that I raped her! Her friend said that she was a witness, but she was probably just jealous that we didn’t get busy. I got arrested. My parents had to put up one of our vacation homes for bail! Then a couple days ago, she called and said that she was pregnant! Well, which one is it? Did I rape you or get you pregnant? Everyone know that if a woman isn’t in love with you, her body will reject your sperm! I even had my fingers crossed! We might as well have had sex in a hot tub, where it is impossible to get pregnant. The other girl was hotter, too. If I was going to rape one, it would have been her. I felt more of a connection with this one, though, and she was easier to get to (laying on floor).

Will you testify on my behalf?

Jeff Wesselschmidt


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