I dated Heather Milson. You probably already know, but she is the woman that got arrested for having sex with a horse. We dated for three years. It was a pretty good relationship, but things really changed after she got caught having sex with that horse. Life in the fast lane just caused too many problems. For one thing, we would get recognized around town a lot. People would say there he is, the guy that is going out with the woman that had sex with the horse. There is more to me than that. I like football, too. Dealing with the paparazzi was a problem. This photographer from the local paper would always take pictures of us. It seemed like we were in the paper everyday. Nearly every morning radio DJ in the country contacted us or did some sort of parody of the situation. I got tired of getting prank called. They would pretend to be Mr. Ed a lot. Come on, how would he dial a phone?
Also, finding out that she was having sex with a horse put a strain on the relationship. Firstly, it was my horse and she didn’t even ask. Also, this particular horse had a huge penis, even compared to other horses. I didn’t like having to follow that, if you know what I mean. Finally, I was diagnosed with equine herpes, a horse std. It turns out that if you are going to have sex with a horse, you should disinfect it’s penis first. I’m not surprised that she didn’t. She rarely washed the dishes.
Still, we tried to work through it. I drove her to her court appearances and helped pay for her lawyer. Eventually, her career took her away from me. She got an opportunity to star in some adult films in Venezuela, so she left. She also patented the rig she had used to have sex with the horse. She said that she wanted to be the Martha Stewart of having sex with horses. The county took my horse away for cruelty. I had put my house up for her bail, so I lost that when she skipped town. Now, in a cruel twist of fate, I have to have sex with horses just to makes ends meet. I would not recommend dating a celebrity.