Who should Tom Cruise date next?


People can’t stop talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’s divorce. We have been getting a lot of emails asking who we thought TC would get down with next. I polled all my Hollywood contacts and these are the most likely candidates, in increasing order.

10. Olivia Munn

With her recently leaked sexy photos and role on the hot show “The Newsroom”, Olivia Munn is poised for a breakout year.  Tom always has an eye for stars.  She just seems to have that IT factor*.



*easy to brainwash




9. Aileen Wournos

A Party Dawg Records favorite. She plays hard to get, but a true player like Tom will appreciate that.  Most importantly, she is still alive.



8,7.  Two-headed girl

America loves an underdog. You would feel good when you look at her picture in the tabloids every night.  Besides, I think this picture makes it pretty clear that this two-headed girl is ready to become a two-headed woman.




6. Selena Gomez

Tom Cruise is a follower of the great Canadian philosopher Bret Hart.  He lives by Hart’s famous quote, “To be the man, you’ve got to beat the man.”  Tom knows that if he can steal the biggest star in the world’s girlfriend that will put him right back on top.






5. Watermelon with a hole in it

Is there anything more refreshing in the summer months than a nice slice of watermelon? One of Tom’s biggest complaints about Katie is that she wasn’t juicy or green enough. The only downside of dating a watermelon with a hole in it is that it has a greater potential to attract bugs than the rest of the list.



4.  Naomi Russell

She is the hottest pornography star in the world. She would help Tom get some of his “rock star edge” back that Katie stole from him. Trust me, it is easy to spank it to her.








3. Dog with fleshlight attached to its head

Imagine it, man’s best friend attached to a dog. For most of us, it is just something we dream about every day, but Tom Cruise has the cash to make it a reality.



2. L. Ron Hubbard’s Bones

My sources tell me this is who Tom really has his eyes on. As a Scientologist, I can say that L. Ron’s bones contain magical properties. We use them to put curses on people we don’t like (Terry Schiavo, for example).



1. Woman with tattoo of monkey on her vagina

The perfect woman.




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