Fourth of July tips

 

Fireworks
Don’t shoot fireworks at people, unless they are blind. They don’t have eyes, so it can’t really hurt them.
Do not tape fireworks to a neighbor’s pet! The tape will interfere with the wick, and it will not explode.
Fun contest: shoot bottle rockets at a Koran. First person to catch it on fire gets to set another Koran on fire.

Decorating
Don’t just stick to red, white, and blue crepe paper and bald eagles. Mix it up.
Put up pictures of modern day patriots like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and, of course, Mr. Romney.
Set the mood with music. I suggest the great Trade Martin’s magnum opus, “We’ve Got to Stop the Mosque at Ground Zero”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaQBrTROj2w
Record a parody of the Simpson’s “You Don’t Win Friend with Salad” entititled “Don’t Make Friends with Salid” about how to treat people from the Middle East.

Grilling
If someone asks for a weiner, don’t put your actual penis on the grill. They mean a hot dog.
As a funny prank, get veal and tell vegetarians that it is a veggie burger.
To save a little money, get cheaper cuts of meat like skirt steak or if you live near a Chinatown, baby meat.
Cut a hole in your “Kiss the Chef” apron. You can put a spatula in it or put your finger through and act like it is a schlong.
After everyone has eaten, give them a bill. Include a 20% gratuity. If there are any veterans in attendance, give them a 5% discount for serving this country.

Misc.
Make sure that everyone drinks at least 12 beers before they get in the pool. This will ensure that they have a good time.
Some people don’t drink. Have marijuana available. If anyone starts smoking it, kick them out and call the police.
Make sure you invite at least three women with big jugs for the WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!
Bribe someone to notarize your Female Body Inspector certificate, so you can officially caress and fondle.

 

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