By Jeff Wesselschmidt
The Internet: Not recommended. First of all, you have to be a nerd to be programming computers and stuff. Secondly, the government can trace what you do. If you’re looking at the good stuff, they might try to arrest you or make you pay taxes.
Dad’s Stash: Not recommended. If your pop is anywhere near the jackoholic that mine is, he would notice one of his gash mags is AWOL lickety split. He will probably lay into you like Thanksgiving all over again. Also, you can find out that your old man is into some twisted shit, like kissing women “downstairs”. Then you can’t take nips from his bottle of blackberry brandy anymore without wiping the spout.
Under Older Brother’s Mattress: Now you’re thinking. What’s he going to do? Tell your parents? I doubt it, but he probably will beat you up. This strategy works best for people with sickly/weakling older brothers. (Warning: If he’s that much of a sissy, he could have pictures of dudes kissing and touching dicks.) If they don’t say anything about you ganking their puss pics, they are giving a sign of weakness. Put them in a choke hold and demand that they buy you some stroke periodicals with their own money. See if you can get some cigs, too. Unfiltered.
“Friend”’s Dad: A personal favorite. This is how I obtained a good deal of my own boner books when I was your age. First, you befriend a little twerp a year younger than you whose dad/stepdad still lives with him. All you really have to do is stop giving him wedgies for a week or so. Suggest you hang at his house. Say you have to go to the bathroom. Ransack his parent’s bedroom. Adults don’t hide their dick diaries under a mattress; they’re too sophisticated. Look for a shoebox in the closet. Ditch that nerd before it damages your rep. Have a first rate ‘bation session.
Sex Shop/Liquor Store: Can be good. The best selection. Here are several strategies:
- Buy a fake beard from a costume shop- Put it on. When you go in, talk about old shit like those phones without buttons and “The A-Team”.
- Fake it till you make it- Just walk in like you own the place. If the guy doesn’t ID you, grab some blackberry brandy, too. If he does ID you, say, “I got that growth disease like that black kid from TV that lives with the white people, Wilbur.” People love to help out cripples.
- Blackmail- Wait outside until a local celebrity, like a preacher or used car salesman, leaves with some gay wiener mags. Pull out a camera and start snapping. Threaten to send the pictures to the paper and his wife. He will gladly buy the film from you and any porno that you want.
- Hey Mister- Offer the creeps going in a couple bucks to buy some for you. Most of the time, these pervs will want to watch it with you, though. Do not agree to this, no matter what they say. They are going to try to grab your wiener. When they hand you the bag, throw some of the sand from your pocket in their eyes and take your money back.