A review of Joey Bronfmann’s 14th Birthday Party

 

So I was playing basketball with these chumps at a park by my house. Dominating, as usual. After my game winning reverse layup, the guys and I decided to grab some ‘cecream (ice cream, nerd) from the Frozen Treats Van that is always parked on 96th and Lexington. The driver Juan is my boy. He’s Mexican, but he’s alright. He always cracks up and gives me free ice cream when I say “Yo quiero Taco Bell.”

Me and the boys are scarfing down when Joey mentions that he’s having a party at his place. Everyone knows that I’m always dizzown for a party, so I was totally psyched. He had invitations for everyone else but me, probably because he knew I would make fun of that weak shit. He said that it was on Saturday and started at 6:30. Now a baller like me isn’t used to parties starting before 4 in the morning, but a party is a mofo party.

I told them fools that I would see them then and jetted. On the way home, this banging chick with monster titties was totally staring at my junk bulge. I saw her jaw drop and I think she tried to take a picture with her Iphone. I was all sweaty so she could probably make out the outline of the tip. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was her new screensaver. I would have talked to her, but I had to get home to catch the new RW/RRC (tha challenge, bitch!). I just sent in my audition tape, so next year it’s going to be called the Jeff Wesselschmidt Hour. I’m going to be wearing that immunity badge when I’m having a 5some with Trishelle, Tori, Megan, and Steve (No Homo).

Saturday came around and I got in full party mode. First, I hit the gym, so my pecs would be bulging. Next up, shower time with Axe Body Wash. My cousin works for them, so I’ve got Lightning Bolt scent. It’s not even out yet. Next up, fresh gear. Armani Exchange and Hollister. I laced up my new Nike Air Maxes and said peace to my roommates. They don’t even try to party with me anymore, because I get too crunk. Also, I’m too real for their boring friends. Half of those geeks wear glasses. Their idea of a party is splitting a bottle of wine and watching “Art” movies like Rushmore. They said that “Waiting” isn’t funny. Whatever. By the way, I have the same birthday as Justin Long.

I caught the 2 train to the upper west side where this partay was going down. The whole train ride all I was thinking about was all the tail I was going to bang. I arrived at at my desti and this place was niice. I just hoped they had a hot tub, because girls can’t get pregnant if you do it in a hot tub. It’s too hot. I walked up to the door and rang the bell.

An old woman answered the door. WTF? It was his mom. Not only did Joey live with his parents, but they were at the party. The mom was alright. Her hair was kind of gray and she was a little heavy for my taste, but I still probably would have let her ride the J-train express. Next stop, Heaven. She seemed kind of shocked that I was there. Probably because she didn’t know that her son had such cool friends. I told her that I was there for the party so she led me down to the basement. She asked if I wanted a goodie bag. I asked if it included jimmy caps and brews. She must not have got it because she just stood there confused. We got to the basement and WTF #2, there were no chicks. As a matter of fact, there were only three people there. Joey, Tim, and Michael were all playing X-box. I knew Joey and Tim from b-ball, but I had never met Michael. They seemed surprised to see me too. It was their lucky day.

When the mom finally went upstairs after we told her we didn’t want rice krispie treats, I asked where the hos were at. Joey tells me that his parents won’t let girls spend the night. I said that I wish he would have told me that when he invited me. He said that technically he hadn’t invited me. The Michael kid asked if wasn’t I too old to be there. I was like I came all the way here, so I’m not leaving now.

I schooled Joey and Tim in Madden ’10, even though I’m used to playing ’11. Michael used some kind of cheat code to beat me. I decided that I didn’t like him.

I was like are you chumps at least going to score some brews. They said even better. Michael swiped a pint of whiskey from his dad and they were going to drink it after Joey’s parents went to bed. It normally takes me a gallon of booze just to feel a buzz, but it was better than nothing.

We talked about chicks until then to pass the time. I gave them some of my expert advice for free. Like if a ho won’t pay for you, then she’s not worth your time. Joey and Tim were all ears. Michael said that he didn’t need any advice and claimed to have fingerbanged Alice Hampton. Whatever, I have done that before too. (Not Alice Hampton, but other bitchez). Tim had a girl that he liked in his class. I said that I would call her for him. It went something like this:

Girl: Hello?

Me: Hey baby. When you gonna let my boy Tim tear that thang up?

Girl: Is this Jeff Wesselschmidt? I’ve heard girls talk about you, like models on the show America’s Next Top Model. They were fighting over who got to give you a blojo. I don’t want Tim. I want you.

Me: Hold up. You’re too young for me and don’t sound hot enough. You might as well just give it up to Tim and be glad that he knows me.

Girl: OK. I’ll do whatever you say.

Finally, the mom came downstairs to say that she was going to bed. I asked if she needed any company. She must not have got that either, because she didn’t laugh. She asked if I was staying the night. I said Hellz Yeah, I don’t leave until the party is over. She gave me a pillow and blanket, since I didn’t bring a sleeping bag.

Mike (the dyke) busted out the whiskey. It was Jack Daniels. I’m used to Patron, but I needed to get my drank on. We passed the bottle around and took shots. I took a bigger one than anyone else. The 64 oz porterhouse steak that I ate for dinner must have upset my stomach, because I had to run to the bathroom and throw up. Michael started laughing and said I couldn’t handle my liquor. He’s lucky that I didn’t use my kickboxing skills on his face.

Michael had also brought some pornog. It was some weak shit with nasty skanks pretending to be cheerleaders. He kept saying that Alice was hotter than any of the actresses. I think Joey and Tim were impressed, but I wasn’t. I have way better pornog than that anyway. I just got a movie with oriental chicks.

I was getting bored, so I decided to go to bed. I told them fools to not even think about writing on my face and passed out. In the morning Mrs. Bronfmann made french toast, it wasn’t as good as I’m accustomed, but it was alright.

Hos: 0/5 stars

Drank: 1/5 stars

Overall Balla rating: 1.5/5 stars

 

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