Flowers – Steal them from the cemetery. If you want to find fresh flowers, read the obituaries in the paper. You can probably get the newspaper for free from an immigrant. (They certainly won’t need the job listings!) After the flowers die, point at them and tell your girlfriend, “Those flowers are doing an impression of you, if you ever try to leave me or ask me to get a job.”

Chocolates – Make sure you tell your girlfriend that she is fat the week before, so she will lose weight before you give them to her. I STRONGLY recommend White chocolate.

No present – My dad never got my mom a present, and she didn’t hang herself until she was 43.

DO NOT make her a meal – If a woman sees you do woman’s work, she will lose respect for you and go get pregnant by a black.

Oral sex – Tell her that you will “go down on her doohilly”. Then turn the lights off and rub food on her thing (Note: Do not put a mouse trap on it.) Then let a dog in the room. She will have the time of her life, and you can go shoot craps with your boys.

Act like you are going to hit her and then don’t – I got my old lady this 3 years in a row. She always loved it.

A dick pic – Send it to her from her friend’s phone so she will be intrigued

Allow her to have an orgasm – Make sure you mention that you normally don’t agree with it, because it is unladylike.

Cut a heart out of construction paper – Women love homemade shit. After you give it to her say that now you are good with scissors, in case she ever leaves you or stops giving you money. Laugh so she knows that you were joking, but then stare at her for too long. Then later on when you know she is watching, take the scissors and sneakily put them under your pillow, like you don’t want her to see you.

Running shoes – Tell her that you want her to get in shape so that she will live longer and your rod still gets hard when you have to get down with her. To really drive the point home, whip out the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and start beating your rod in front of her.

Love letters from your ex-girlfriends – Say that you won’t be needing them anymore because you have her. Then she will read them and get jealous. But they won’t really be from your ex-girlfriends. Just have one of the hookers you know write the letters. Have them put things about giving you presents to smoke your rod and getting down with other chicks in front of you. Your girlfriend will think she has to compete with that or you will leave her. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!

There were sure some weird clothes at New York Fashion Week, but it is not my job to judge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10.  Dior Silk Jacket

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. Paul Smith Orange Suit

 

 

 

 

 

 

8.  Hulkamania Bandana

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7.  Colorado State Issue Red Shirt

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.  Hermes Citron Pants

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.  Bitch Fell Off T-Shirt

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.  OSL Camoflaugue Jacket

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.  Sombrero

 

 

 

 

2.  Brooks Brothers Navy Suit

 

 

 

 

 

1.  Wrangler Leather Jacket

Barack Obama – Get some of those muslim clothes and then pee on the American flag. Put black shoe polish on your face, obviously, unless you are a Black. Write Birth Certificate on a piece of paper. Then write Afghanistan as the country and 6/6/6 as the date of birth.

Mitt Romney – Go with someone in the Barack Obama costume (see above). Give them a map of the United States. Just as they are about to set it on fire, you swoop in and save the country. Rig a bunch of light bulbs above your head to show that you have a lot of great ideas.

Jerry Sandusky Victim – Put your shoes on your knees and then MAKE UP A BUNCH OF LIES ABOUT A GREAT MAN! Free Jerry! Free Jerry! Free Jerry! Free Jerry! Free Jerry! Free Jerry! Free Jerry! Free Jerry! Free Jerry! Free Jerry! Free Jerry! Free Jerry!

Kid Rock – Especially popular with the kids. Hold a guitar and get carried around by a throng of people to show how loved you are. Halo optional. Have women faint when you look at them.

Will Smith – Wear your pants down around your knees. Carry a gun. Keep saying “Yo, yo, yo” before you talk. Breakdance.

Global Warming – Have friends go as a ghost and the easter bunny, so you can be three things that aren’t real.

Hurricane Sandy – Go around pushing down minorities and liberals. Say “That’s what you get for living in New York Sin-ty!”

Anderson Cooper – Put on a suit, bend your wrist, and keep saying “Hey Sailor!”

Osama bin Laden – Wrap a towel around your head and carry a copy of today’s newspaper, because you are still alive! He lives with Obama’s cousin in Chicago!

Joe Biden – Keep smiling like a dope. Carry a dog with you and make love to it in front of people.

Find your porno magazines – If you been jacking online, like me (#genius), you probably aren’t sure where your jack mags are. Are they under this pile of beer cans or this pile of underwear that I stole from the old lady next door? (they smell like her hemmorhoid crème but I don’t give a fizuckkkkk. That just makes me think of her hemmorhoids when I’m maskjacking with them. H-O-T!!!!) You got to find them, because if the internet goes down, you’re going to have nothing to jack to. You willl have to use your imagination and some pretty sick shit can pop into your head. Last time I tried, I ended up smacking my meat to a lawnmower taking a shit on an elephant. It was a guy elephant!!!!! I almost thought about going to a psychologist, but then I heard it ain’t gay if a lawnmower is involved.

Buy some ice – You’re going to need it after jacking your nuts for three days straight. Ice ‘em up real good or they will turn black.

Don’t let your slampiece stay with you – I made this mistake once. I let this girl stay with me during a tornado AND SHE TOOK A SHIT AT MY APARTMENT!!!! She didn’t even wait for me to go to sleep or try to blame it on a dog. I could barely bone her anymore. And if you have a slampiece hanging around, you can’t try to hump the old lady next door or the woman that beats her kids upstairs (if she beats them that hard, imagine what she will do to your rod!!!!). That is a waste of a hurricane! It is a great opportunity to tell that old lady that you have some wine at your apartment. If you don’t have wine, just mix peroxide with grape juice. It is probably the same. Then say it is getting hot. Take off your pants and “accidentally” drop your junk out of your undies. Say “Whoops, will you help me put this away?”

Do not admit that you have been stealing from your roommate – I would not recommend ever doing this, but especially not during a hurricane. You will be trapped inside with him for days and he might try to murder you. Just keep blaming the chinaman that lives in your building because if your roommate is anything like mine, he thinks chinamen are mystical people and that they can put spells on you. He will be afraid to confront him and you can keep “borrowing money” and cartons of cigarettes from his room.

Don’t play with downed power lines – I know you think, “How could they hurt me? They are just lines and I am a man?” Trust me, they can hurt you. Those lines are filled with electricity, like the electric chair. I know a guy that thought it would be funny to stick a power line in his butt. He was right. It was funny for us, but not for him. He got electro-q-ted and now his nuts are inside out. He has to wear special pants filled with vaseline and can never sit down. If you insist on playing with power lines, try to get a “special” kid or Chinaman to do it, I guess.

Throw away all your food – You are going to need the room in the fridge for brews. You can probably get food somewhere during the hurricane. Beer has calories in it anyway, so it is actually good for you. Also, make sure you load your shotgun and sleep on it. If looters come, you will be able to protect your possessions, i.e. brews.

The 2012 United States Presidential Election is coming up. It is going to be very important because the president could make something you love illegal, like they did with stealing. The republican candidate is Milt Romeny. He is a morman. That is not the weirdos with the beards that don’t watch TV. It is the ones with the weird eyes that have a bunch of wives. They don’t drink beer though. Milt has never done a brew stew before. That is where you fill a bathtub up with beer and have a hooker take a bath in it and then you drink it. Do we really want someone so inexperienced in the White House? The tubs will go unused. Also, mormans don’t smoke and eat people sometimes. That is messed up, not smoking. He was the president of Bane’s capital. That dude was pretty cool in Batman. If Milt wore a mask like that I would vote for him. He doesn’t though. He looks like the guy who wants to turn the jack off booth shop into a parking lot in Jerkin’ 2: Erection Boogaloo. He is white, though. You know how they say you can’t teach height in b-ball, well you can’t teach that either. He was the governor of all of Massachusetts, including Southie, so that is pretty cool. He probably wouldn’t fall for it if you went up to him and said “Do you like apples?” He’s against abortion, even if the chick you got pregnant is fat or ugly!! The kid will be messed up.

The democrat candidate is Barak Hussein Obama. He is the president now. First of all, you have to admit he slams brews. He is a muslim, but he betrayed his brothers by killing Bin Laden. He is pretty good at basketball, but I like hockey. He is black. I am fine with that though. One time I got busy with a black chick. He passed Obamacare, so there are going to be a lot more ladies with jug implants. He’s a communist like that guy Rocky fought, so that is kind of messed up. I like that one where Rocky fights Mr. Tee and also the one where if Rocky doesn’t stop, his mom will shoot.

In conclusion, we should all write in Rocky for President of the United S.A.

Medical review company is looking for doctors to write questions for our USMLE Step 1, 2 and 3 course. Compensation $10-$20 per question, depending on quality of question. Candidate must have
excellent English and grammar skills.

I took some time away from my medical practice to write these questions. Please answer them ASAP.

Sincerely,
Jeff Wesselschmidt

If you have unprotected sex with a a woman you meet in an upscale bar ($7 beers) who doesn’t look that dirty and claims to only have had sex with four guys, and several days later notice red, mosquito bite-like bumps between your penis and testicles, what is it most likely?

If after a long night of drinking grain alcohol as a joke, one urinates blood, should one go to the hospital immediately, even if they have to work and are out of vacation days?

What is the average penis size? It’s OK if you’re a little below that, right? True or False, trimming your pubes makes it look bigger?

Can you get AIDS if a guy that looks like he has it sneezes two seats away from you on the subway?

Outline several strategies for concealing weird, red bumps that are between your penis and scrotum from your girlfriend, who is a nurse. Is there a such thing as super sweat-proof make-up?

Painkillers intensify the effects of alcohol. How much money could one save by taking a vicodin before drinking? Assume $7 beers.

Even as few as two beers could potentially inhibit a man’s ability to perform sexually, right? Shouldn’t that be more widely publicized to women? Limp dick is not a medical term, correct? Shouldn’t a nurse know better than to call someone that, even if she is not at work?

It’s not impossible for someone to still be growing at age 30, is it? Specifically with regards to penis girth? It’s not like a tree, is it? Where a new ring is added every year? You can’t tell when there was a forest fire by looking at it, can you?

Todd Akin is the congressman from my home town. I hope he can help me out of a jam I’m in. I sent him this e-mail.

Dear Mr. Akin,

I am a big fan of your work. My parents voted for you. The reason that I am writing you is that I am being unfairly persecuted. I’m a Pi Kappa Alpha at Mizzou. We had our annual Blackface theme party about a month ago. A couple of underage girls showed up. I didn’t give them any beer. I just showed them where the keg was and may have pumped it for them. They got really drunk. They said that they would get in trouble if they went home, so I graciously offered to let them stay in my room. I took them to my room, and they passed out. I kept partying cuz you know how I do. A pledge passed out, so we peed on him. We shot this dog with a pellet gun. Another classic Pike rager. I went up to my room. The girls were still there, a sure sign of wanting it. One of them had even passed out with her thong hanging out! She might as well had sent me an invitation, so I made love to her.

In the morning, she woke up and started screaming. She said that I raped her! Her friend said that she was a witness, but she was probably just jealous that we didn’t get busy. I got arrested. My parents had to put up one of our vacation homes for bail! Then a couple days ago, she called and said that she was pregnant! Well, which one is it? Did I rape you or get you pregnant? Everyone know that if a woman isn’t in love with you, her body will reject your sperm! I even had my fingers crossed! We might as well have had sex in a hot tub, where it is impossible to get pregnant. The other girl was hotter, too. If I was going to rape one, it would have been her. I felt more of a connection with this one, though, and she was easier to get to (laying on floor).

Will you testify on my behalf?

Sincerely,
Jeff Wesselschmidt

Get a Switch!

By Jeffrey Wesselschmidt

Growing up in the 1930′s in the Bootheel of Missouri was a special experience. There was only one thing to be afraid of in those days, and as a particularly rambunctious rascal, I did it a lot. It was picking your own switch.

Whether it was stealing Miss Darlene’s unmentionables from her clothes line or lighting a squirrel on fire, I thought that I was a little too clever and Granny was a little too hare-brained, because she was a woman, to find out. She always did, though. Then she would send me into the woods all alone to find the weapon of my punishment.

More thought went into picking a switch than it seems. It was not simply selecting a piece of wood. You wanted it to be as thin as possible, so that it wouldn’t smart as much. If it was too thin, though, Granny would go pick one herself. You knew darn well that she was going to choose the thickest one possible, about the size of a whistlin’ jug. I knew that a thickness of one finger was the minimum that would be accepted, so I would zig and zag from tree to tree trying to find a branch as similar to my finger as possible.

I remember one particular whoopin’ especially well. My brother Randall and I had a frequent target for our pranks, Gomer Holmes. He was retarded, but it was fine to abuse them in those days. Our most frequent prank was throwing rocks at him. One day, we thought it would be funny to drive a nail into the bottom of his fetching pail. He trudged all the way to the well and dipped the bucket fro. When he turned to leave, water spurted all over the private area of his britches. It looked like he done pissed hisself. Randall and I doubled over and howled with laughter.

Later that evening, Old Man Holmes rapped on our door and told Granny what we had done. He demanded that we buy a new bucket. My Pa’s job as a grave digger barely paid the bills as it was (and he spent most of it at the tavern), so there was no way they could afford to buy a new pail. Once again, I was in the woods looking for a switch. To add insult to injury, I had to come up with the money myself.

Randall and I went into town and set up the only business we knew how, a shoeshine booth. All was going well, until Grandpa saw us. That side of the family had a quick temper, on account of the generations of “cousin knowing”. It also didn’t help that Gramps had been swigging moonshine since before noon. When he spotted us, he screamed, “No kin of mine is going to do Negro’s work.”

Then he knocked over the makeshift booth and began beating us. I wish he would have used a switch, but he didn’t. He used his closed fists. He bruised my ribs so bad that I couldn’t smoke for a week.

I only saw Grandpa that mad one other time. It was April 15, 1947, Jackie Robinson’s first game. Grandpa, a die-hard Cardinals fan until that point, smashed his radio and never listened to another game. I’m sure he’s rolling in his grave right now, with all the interracial marriage. Anyway, we agreed to work on the Holmes’s farm until our debt was paid off.

Now I’m a grandfather myself. Several years ago my oldest grandson broke a lamp in my house. I had repeatedly told him not to shoot his fireworks in the house, so I uttered those words that I used to dread so much, “Get a switch.”

His mother was upset that I whipped him and hasn’t allowed me to see my grandchildren in 3 years. God, I miss the Good Old Days.

We are down to the four most popular sexual fantasies in America!

Fantasy Tournament – 1st Round
Fantasy Tournament – Round 2
Fantasy Tournament – Elite Eight

Girl With Two Beavers Vs. Dong Lights Up Like E.T.’s Finger

Girl With Two Beavers defeated Cheerleader (With Multiple Sclerosis). Most Common Reason: “I don’t want to catch Multiple Sclerosis”

Dong Lights Up Like E.T.’s Finger trumped Putting Your Schlong in a Hot Dog Bun and Handing It to the President. Most Common Reasons: “I don’t want to touch a Muslim”, “Can quit spending all my money on flashlights”

Wife Can Queef National Anthem Vs. Woman That Drinks Soap and Farts Bubbles

Wife Can Queef National Anthem trounced Threesome. Most Common Reasons: “U.S.A., U.S.A.”, “I don’t have room for three people in my cot”, “I might not even beat a wife like that!”

Woman That Drinks Soap and Farts Bubbles beat Fingering a Dinosaur. Most Common Reason: “God killed the dinosaurs because they were sinners. Don’t want to pleasure them”, “Won’t have to take kids to the park. We can just play in her fart bubbles”